Zero is scary; the thoughts of losing can fill anyone with dread and anxiety. Then when zero comes, denial becomes an option. Head in the sand, fake smiling face kinda denial. In my case, 'a girl must live' mindset aided detachment. 'I don't care' that really was just fuelled by fear.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds..." James 1:2
It is true, when you face your fears, they usually aren't as bad as imagined. Hiding wasn't christian. Going through and keeping joy was. Ego had to die - the only way to not define myself based on my situation was to let go. Let go of my idea of what I thought I was and of what I thought I wanna be. Separation helped because with it came silence. Little or no 'what are you doing?' questions to answer. How do you say 'finding myself' in a way that made sense? The point was to rest my head and my mind. To just breathe and accept the present fully. To trust him who made me.
"Be still and know that I am God" PS 46:10
At zero, you get to start again. To unlearn and delete years of society-fuelled junk and expectations. In a world that seems more about measuring you against everything and everyone else, this is a big blessing. You get to figure you out on your own terms. You get to choose what to fill yourself with.
It's easier to see this in hindsight. At zero, you probably prefer self pity. You wanna stew in your frustration and be angry. Just maybe that darkness, that anger will motivate you enough to at least do something? But believe me, you can choose to not let zero define you. Quit fighting so much and just rest. The kinds of struggles and self put downs that leave you frustrated and depleted are not worth it. Tell yourself you are giving your head a break. Then mindfully choose to chill.
Why should all your energy be invested in things that steal your peace and leave you feeling completely empty? Unproductive ventures based on comparison with others, most with stories you are not fully aware of? Efforts based on standards set by others? Standards you would care less about if you truly paused for a minute and considered being true to yourself.
I was always chasing. Never able to take stock and enjoy the present before thinking of my next advance. It was about fulfilling all I was programmed to be. Then came zero and with it shame which brought separation. Separation blessed me with time to meditate and write. To rid myself of frustrating human standards. Standards that left me disillusioned as I saw them fall one by one.
I chose to become my own goal. Only I know me, my present circumstances and my past. I can't hide from me, I can't pretend to me, my self deceit game isn't on fleek. I can focus on me instead of loving glimpses of strangers whose full stories I had no knowledge of. Strangers like myself who were trying to find their ways.
"...because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1: 3-4
It took years to learn to be this robot. I can be patient and wait. I can
- be patient as I learn to stop comparing my victories and losses.
- be patient as I learn to not be fuelled by euphoria or despair.
- be patient as I learn to truly feel and experience life on my own terms.
- wait for the unencumbered me to manifest.
I will be truly free.
I love Joyce Meyer's messages. They give little room for being superficial. Jesus did not die for us to stay shallow. Do Not Be Led by Your Head teaches self confidence and maturity in Christ. Learn to hold on to your peace by staying true to yourself.